In a recent discussion on a lactation list, the following was posted. The discussion had been about how to meet each mother’s needs, when they presented as ‘not wanting’ to breastfeed, for a variety of reasons. The sparking post had been a teenager, who was pregnant, but didn’t want to breastfeed as she didn’t want something ‘sucking off her’. A discussion arose on how to meet this young woman where she was, and speak to her of breastfeeding in a positive way.
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The ‘sucking off me’ struck a chord with many lactation supporters, who say that first time pregnant women are often afraid of breastfeeding, and the conversation developed until the old chestnut of “What about Mums who have been sexually abused?” arose.
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In case this one has passed you by, when the ‘can’t’ breastfeed issue arises – in order to pummel breastfeeding into the ground - the standard defense these days when you point out that at most, 3% of women cannot breastfeed fully, but all can breastfeed to some extent, is to immediately shout out “What about women who have been sexually abused, they can’t at all!”
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This truly annoying attack/defend tactic, is rarely spoken by a woman who is actually in this position, and is usually being hurled across the room at you, by someone who is desperate to prove that breastfeeding is some idolized concept that normal everyday women cannot achieve. It’s annoying on several fronts, not least because it is so rarely spoken by a woman that it applies to. It also ignores the actuality that many women who have been sexually abused and breastfeed, often discuss how healing it was for them, to see their bodies in such a position of power and strength. And annoying, not least of all, as it’s a ‘show stopper’ attempt by the objector to get you to stop discussing breastfeeding – “Go on, I dare you” they are saying “say something negative about women who have been abused. Show your Nazi nature!”
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Of course, how to support mothers who are genuinely suffering from body trauma after abuse, is an important topic, and the discussion moved into that. A post was made about how it may be more important to support a mother in weaning, than in continuing, if she has come up against a wall of negative feeling located in prior abuse.
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So into this general discussion, the following post fell. I think it speaks for itself, so at this point I will retire… and pass you onto the mother, also a breastfeeding counselor, who posted:
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I loved… [the] post on this subject! It touched on so many things I've often wondered. One query of … [the postee] I've developed an interesting theory about - how can a formerly sexually abused woman 'endure' the intimacy of conceiving the baby but not breastfeeding it?
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I am a survivor of such abuse by a family member. It was actually probably one of the lesser tragedies of my childhood. I grew up in foster care and became emancipated by 16. I was always determined never to make any of the mistakes that had so affected me and think I did a pretty good job of breaking the cycle of abuse and addiction that has been in my biological family for generations as far back as anyone can remember.
When I decided to breastfeed, it was based on logic and that same desire to 'do the best I can'. I'd read a brief blurb about how it was better than formula. I also had heard it was better for bonding and I knew I'd certainly not had any bonding in my own childhood and wanted to do better.
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Imagine my surprise to find I really didn't like it! The swoony, lovey mother magic has never been there for me. And I say this, a woman who has 5 children aged 8 yrs down to 10 months and nary a one has had a drop of formula nor an artificial nipple in their mouths. I've been tandeming for over 7 yrs straight now and had 2 stints of nursing 3 in there, as well. I've nursed through 4 pregnancies entirely, nobody weaned - of course. No rest for the weary! :-)
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When I examine why I don't enjoy breastfeeding, I want to initially write it off to all that my body has suffered and my resulting ambivalent feelings about it. The initial latch-on is perfectly fine for me, the rapid pace of the 1st hungry suckling is okay ... then the thirst hits me in a wave and I feel panicked and claustrophobic. If I'm pregnant and have sore nipples, the feeling is tripled to the point of making my skin crawl. I have absolutely positively never been able to tolerate nipple-twiddling of the free breast and no acrobatic nursing has ever been tolerable.
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Thankfully, there hasn't been a free breast since #2 came along and they twiddle each other's hair and fingers instead. Then the clamping down/pressure feeling of letdown makes my underarms tingle and itch maddeningly. It goes on and on, the nipple tugging, the teeth scraping, the sucking their way back up the nipple like a straw when they startle from having dozed off, the fluttery, non-nutritive sucking that lets the tongue caress the nipple... for some reason, all of it makes my hair stand on end! And yet my husband interacting with my breasts sexually has not ever brought about the same reaction.
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I've come to believe for me - and many other survivors - that it's more about the dependency needs going on during breastfeeding. It's been so hard for me to allow myself to ever be dependent on anyone again after losing my own family. It's been a work in progress to let people be dependent on me. I found I was always guarded and a bit emotionally distanced, always.
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Then comes a baby. So much work and pain to be left with such a vulnerable, terrifyingly dependent person! That I have to keep alive! All of which hits home the most when s/he is literally attached to me and sucking his/her very existence from my breast. It doesn't get much more dependent and intimate than that.
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Sexual intimacy isn't an accurate comparison because a sexual partner is not so dependent on you during sexual acts. You, who have secretly felt at times your body was disgusting and evil and had betrayed you and caused you so much misery ... and sex can be endured because it doesn't last so terribly long, it can be done in the dark, and maybe you've learned to allow your body to be used by others while you shut down emotionally.
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Not so with breastfeeding. Not only do you need light to do it in the beginning, but other people have to intrude and look and check and touch. (I will never forget the 1st nurse who tried to 'help' me latch on my 1st preemie son in the hospital. She pushed my gown open, grabbed my breast, thrust it at the baby and then pushed his head into it. I was simultaneously horrified and shamed at her callous treatment of my breast and concerned for the seemingly smothering baby!) The baby stares at you lovingly and beseechingly until the milk lets down, and then contentedly... you can't absent yourself in the same way at all. You have to accept the gratitude and need and meet it.
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So when I work with Moms who have aversive feelings associated with breastfeeding and they reveal past sexual abuse, I know exactly what they are dealing with. I don't believe it's wrong to encourage them to keep at it. Quite the opposite, I think it's amazingly empowering. I can help them explore if it's actually direct associations with their breasts having been abused or more about the incredible intimacy and dependency going on. And I can show them how to get through it! I myself often have to distract myself during the more trying aspects of breastfeeding.
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A good book, a phone call to a friend, computer, tv, a snack I love, interacting with other kids. It's still - after all these years of breastfeeding you'd think I'd be desensitized by now! - very hard for me to sit and gaze at my babies nursing. (One of them liked to try to drive his finger into the seal between his lips and my nipple and I wanted to bite his little finger off every time, so even while I am horrified by it, I can totally relate to that 'throw the baby into a wall' feeling.)
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I have read and heard over the years many times people say that a depressed/angry/sexually abused/reluctant mother should not bf. Should not be ‘pressured’ to breastfeed. I simply can't agree. I think it can be one of the most rewarding, empowering, therapeutic things she can do - for herself and the baby.
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My 1st 2 sons breastfed to self-weaning at 5. Once weaned, I was of course nursing 2 more and they went through a stage of regret and wanting to breastfeed again. I let them try though I knew they'd lost the sucking reflex. They are 7 and 8 now and will tell anyone who asks, they'd still like to be nursing.
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They are old enough to pick up on my discomfort nursing the 2 little ones now. I tell them it's not always as easy and nice for the Mama as the baby. My 8 year old is shocked. he says, “you LOVED breastfeeding me!!” I don't disabuse him of this notion even as I laughingly recall that he was the offensive finger-intruder whose ears I could have cheerfully pulled off. I relate this story to say that I just don't think babies are so sensitive they internalize and harbor any ill emotions or memories from being nursed by a less than transcendentally ecstatic mother. And 'making it through' another nursing session never left me resenting the baby - quite the opposite. I find myself doing most of the physical lavishing of attention in the form of kisses and strokes and hugging after they've nursed. I'm so glad they're done and we both could do it !
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I think once a woman knows it's the basic first step in doing right by your baby, even if it's hard for her, we do her a great disservice in not helping her to do it. I'd never be able to live with myself if I'd given up because it was uncomfortable and not the lovefest I'd thought it would be. I think someone who has survived abuse and trauma is actually more able to accept the idea that this is not going to be easy, but you can do it and you should do it to give your baby better than you got, than a person who had a picture perfect life.
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Part of the reason it works for me is that it isn't too good to be true. I've had to fight so much harder than most people for any of the meaningful things in my life, it feels quite right that this should be a bit of work, too. I would urge that we all not back away and admit defeat too quickly with mothers citing prior sexual abuse as a reason they can't reconcile maintaining breastfeeding. If you explore educating and feeling them out a bit more about it, you might find them uniquely adapted to doing it even longer than the average breastfeeder.
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mummaTOwldthings
(pictured with her 20 minute old baby boy, after a breech home birth!)
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